Here's where I realize I fail at posting again. :)  Seems I've had writer's block in more ways than one recently.

Discussing a book he's been reading entitled This is your Brain on Music:

R: There are a lot of things that I sort of knew but wasn't necessarily aware of.  Like the fact that every musical culture recognizes the equivalence of the octave.

*beat*

R: And so do cats.

*****

Your cats apparently aren't telling you things.  Neither are barn owls for that matter if R is to be believed.  Some scientist hooked electrodes up to them and played "The Blue Danube" and afterwards they had the melody stuck in their heads.  The barn owls that is, not the researchers.

As we have seen before, I have a tenuous relationship with journalling.  A lot has happened in the last couple months.  The boy I thought was merely a friend is now so much more.  The boy I thought might be more is now merely a friend.  I'm getting music written and trying to be more proactive about school to mixed results.  I now ride with R on his motorcycle on a fairly regular basis.  [He bought me a helmet and everything and is apparently subconsciously more cautious when I'm on.  And I'm almost comfortable with it.  The first few times I held on for dear life.]

R and I had somehow become dependent on each other before we started dating which made life very interesting.  Made it even more interesting when he had to go home for the break shortly after we had gotten together.  [A family member was flying in to drive down with him which made wiggling the time around fairly impossible.]  After a few short days of being absolutely ridiculous, I came to the realization that I didn't really have much to do the following week and took him up on a half joking suggestion to come visit him.  In case you were wondering, the distance between LBK and Houston is the long way across Texas.  It was good though.  His family was very welcoming and seems to genuinely like me - the half I met at any rate, he's got seven older siblings and they're pretty much all married with kids.  According to her father, one of the nieces is now "president of the Miss Katie fan club" which is pretty delightful.  And R's mother was so taken with me, she declared that the empty seat when he went out to dinner with them after I had left was where I should be.

Familiy Christmas was had in WI this year, as that required moving the fewest people and involved a domicile that was actually being lived in at the time.  B&A were delightful hosts despite not really being certain what they were doing and it was good to see all of them again.  There was lots of snow when I got there and it snowed on Christmas even before warming up a bit to snowmen weather and then thawing just enough to cover the world with ice.  We didn't really do a whole lot while I was up there - church and a local cheese house and driving back down to Madison with my sister - but it was still a good visit.  I just wish they could make it down here every once in a while.

I've discovered that the thing I miss most about being LBK, aside from the obvious of family though my sister kind of counts in this, is having good female company around.  By virtue of my discipline, I know almost no girls here and the couple I do know are pretty much just acquaintances from my core classes or the LSC.  Every once in a while though, having girls around would be pretty delightful though.  Going shopping with my sister or RF would be pretty delightful.  Or tea or coffee with the Liz and/or RF.  Being ridiculous with RJ/W.  Doing anything with K, really.  I'm not certain I've seen her since her wedding.  Well, maybe once a couple Christmases ago.  This is what I get for going the wrong direction at Christmas this year.  Eh, well.

On the upshot, it looks like we'll be heading south for spring break this year which just happens to be the week of my birthday, as per usual.  A few days in the vicinity of K-bury [birthday celebration, anyone?] and then a few days in H-town with his family.  Another one of the sisters and her family will be down.  [Woo!  More names to try and remember!]  I'm hoping to get to see a few people when I'm home and am contemplating justifying taking off a Sunday and doing church at home too.  We'll see how it goes.

But, yes.  I need to be better at keeping up with people and with this.  We'll see how that goes as well.

hisserendipity2: sometimes, you can't afford to wait.

I don't really know where to start with this one.  I was getting married but all of the preparations seemed to be getting pulled together really last minute but, at the time, I was just kind of going with it and thinking "It'll be all good...We'll get everything done we need to....It'll be wonderful..."  I saw my mother and someone else carrying what I recognized as my gown off to where I would change into it later - over a kind of small bridge over nothing.  The place we were having it had some other purpose.  The ceremony was to be held outside - there were chairs set up and a decorated arch and all of that - but it seemed like time for me to get ready hadn't been well planned out.  It looked like most things were ready but I was still in jeans with no hair or makeup done or anything and, for some reason, it seemed I needed to warm up, to sing, as well.  My mother was there in the bustling about and so was my father inexplicably.  I remember seeing members of my bridal party briefly but not long enough to get a sense of them and I was either sent off or wandered off to get ready.  The first place I went seemed to be a long table outside near the beach but not which should have been odd because the venue was not near a beach.  The table was strewn with all kinds of things - clothes, small furniture, makeup, craft things...None of it really made sense and I couldn't find what I was looking for.  I needed a Kleenex but only found a pile of dirty clothes, some of which seemed to belong to a young child.  I needed to put my makeup on but initially what I found was beige paint though I didn't realize it immediately.  There was something on my face that I needed to cover - around my eye - and the beige paint wasn't going to cover it and I needed help with my tattoo.  I finally found makeup but needed to go somewhere else to put it on.  There was a room reserved for this it seemed and I went towards it but it still seemed like I was running late - still no makeup, hair not done, I hadn't yet sung.  There was a sign posted about the reservation but it was awkwardly worded - almost legalese - and I walked up and into the room.  It was almost as though it were a small trailer but the door was not a full door and I didn't make it into the main room.  I heard men approaching and my mind defined them as football players.  Despite the sign and my silent urgings, a couple of very large men kept trying to get into where I was - even reaching over and around the door to unlock it from the inside.  I finally just left and told them they could have it.  I moved on to what seemed like a string of Sunday school rooms and had problems finding one empty for some reason.  I found one with only one person in it  - a guy I recognized but couldn't place - and I made some impatient comment about how he'd have to find somewhere else, I was pressed for time.  He left and it seemed like I had barely had time to settle before he was back again and forlorn, almost in tears, because he had just broken up with his girlfriend.  I was trying desperately to ignore him and do what I needed to do because I was increasingly pressed for time and it seemed like he just loomed closer and another guy came up and kept wanting to play keyboard for us and I just felt more and more closed in and confused and frustrated...

And then I woke up.  I am still very, very unsettled and I feel like I have way too many things that need to get done right this moment that are all very important and I'm not really sure how to go about doing things.  So I guess some of the dream kind of makes sense.  I'm not certain about a lot of it though...

robespierre03: You and I have the strangest conversations.
songbird0317: sometimes
robespierre03: Often.
robespierre03: You're an interesting person. I mean that in a good way.
songbird0317: thanks even though i'm not really certain what that means
robespierre03: It's a good thing...trust me.
songbird0317: i do
robespierre03: It means you're worth my time, and you know how I don't like to waste time on people.

I slept in fits and starts last night and it seemed in my half-sleep that I was having a very long and continuous conversation with the boy from election night. This continued until about 4:30 in the morning when I woke up a little cranky and vaguely irritated with life in general. I was wide awake but not prepared to deal with anything. Reading, writing, homework of any form all lack charm at that hour of the morning and either the conversation was over for the time being or I had been shut out. I think I finally got back to sleep around 6 and it seemed that I had either been forgiven or let back in and he was much friendlier this time. This time we spoke gently and snuggled together just to be close to one another and spoke of pleasant things.

Strange things happen when you sleep alone sometimes.

Tonight's Bible study was about death and dying. My heart sank to my stomach and I started to feel all of the familiar sensations that come with an unexpected fresh bout of grief. In the moments before it started, I relived that day, the funeral, the aftermath. I remembered every time I had felt like this for any reason all in the span of a moment or two.

The bulk of the actual Biblical part was largely superficial review. A perfunctory recap of the Garden of Eden and what death meant and why it came to be.

The discussion is where it got dicey. For me at least. I saw the questions coming and was dreading the last one in particular. "Have you ever lost a close family member or friend? How did you deal with it?" That's the one I was worried about. He never got to that one. Skipped right over it. He did spend some time on "What comforts you when dealing with death?" Somebody made some half-ass answer. It was enough off the mark in my opinion that I didn't really process it. Kind of ignored it, really. I don't even remember what I said. Something about if it was close enough that the things people always say sound really insincere. Because, really? There is no comfort. There's dealing with it and the people who think they know what you need. You cling to the people you love that understand you and know how to be there while leaving you alone. You look for the ones that will let you talk if you need to or just sit there and hold you if you ask or carry on a normal conversation just for the sake of normalcy. You find some form of comfortable numbness to deal with the public and you do what you have to do. You keep yourself busy. You do mindless chores. You answer the stupid phone. You try to hold yourself together until its ok to fall apart. Until you can deal with falling apart. And, then, you go on. It still hurts. Its still hard but you pull yourself together enough to get out of bed the next day. To go to work. To clean the house. To do what you have to do. In time, it gets easier but it never goes away. You'll remember on their birthday. The day they died. When you sing their favorite song. When you realize you're forgetting things about them. When a random phrase gets said in conversation - it could be anything, really, anything that reminds you of them. It could be a run of the mill thoughtless Bible study that was barely a blip on anyone else's radar.

I am a member of the invisible community of the bereaved. And sometimes it just sucks.

In honor of Penguin Pal Pablo:




Made me think of thefiveanddime for no good reason:

So, the weekend sucked.  We know that.  This morning, even, wasn't so great.  This afternoon?  I talked with the Liz and vented a bit and made tentative plans for when I'm in town [which happens to coincide with K's birthday, a fact I had forgotten].  So that was good.  Then, still high off the delightful conversation, I went and prepped for a makeup singing test and was feeling good about things.  And class went fairly well which is always good. 

The makeup exam went as follows:

I sang the first piece.  My prof looked at me and said "Your voice is huge.  You're having a hard time controlling it, aren't you?"

I admitted to it and made the comment that my voice had been doing weird things recently and it was likely because I had hit 25.

My prof: "So this is a recent thing?"

Me: "Maybe last six months or so."

My prof: "You know...you need to talk to this voice professor..."

After I was done with the makeup, she called said voice prof and went on and on about how "I'm not a voice person but I can definitely recognize one and this young lady has got one.  Do you think you could meet with her and hear her sing and see what you think?"

So I have a meeting with this woman tomorrow afternoon and she sounded kind of excited to hear me.

This should be interested and I will definitely keep you posted.

[For those who haven't heard me lately, my voice is definitely getting quite large - and I didn't start out with a small instrument by any means - but I'd guess not nearly where lizzymommy and mcclellanora are.  Well...maybe close.  And I've been marking in class because I don't want to over-sing the room or eclipse my class so this test is really the first my prof had actually heard of me.]

But, yes.  A good afternoon overall.  Now, I write.